Lukewarm Ironclad

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It is Sunday, 0 A.D., and the rubble of all human civilization isn’t even done smoking yet – some patches of it are still on fire – and anyone trapped in it will have starved, thirsted, or been gnawed to death by raccoons or other survivors by now.

At least it is nice and seasonably sunny, and the air is warm, across the globe – as the weather hasn’t had time to reset yet either. The sun sits at a lopsided angle around three hours from where it should at this time of day.

There is a sudden rumble, a steam whistle cuts the air in half like a hot knife through a block of freshly-opened canned meat – an impossibly large steam engine rumbles by, at least the size of a two-storey building, the punchdrunk lights of the parlor car being obediently drug along at the end of the train reflecting against the harsh sand of asbestos and bone fragments.

With the hard-reset button having been pressed, it is time to get to work.

• Balance the Budget: Railroad construction doesn’t come easy, or cheap – as head railroad engineer it is your job to make the executive decisions that keep construction moving or bring it to a dead halt.
• Jazz, Swing, Broadway: With a live-scored original soundtrack (OST) composed by Matthew Harper, we’re bringing “the jazz-era meets 1980’s Miami.”
• Master the Landscape: Bridging the U.S. presents unique problems for burgeoning civil engineers – angry Native Americans looking for a living god and blowing up dams, weather-altering swamp drains to build resort swimming pools, a corporate headquarters refusing to operate due to an identity crisis – no matter where you choose to build, problems, like the assurance of needing public restrooms, will follow.

• Non-Linear Visual Novel: Discover multiple different endings depending on your choices in-game.
• Quick-Paced Gameplay: Complete the game in thirty minutes to an hour but keep returning to find new scenes. Experience a different storyline every time you play! Every decision must be made in 15 seconds or face the consequences!
• Full-Motion Video: Recall the days of Westwood strategy games and mornings plastered to the 3DO, CD-i, and Sega CD in the family living room.
• Steam Achievements: Track your career progress with achievements – show off your progress, or lack thereof, to your friends.
• Trading Cards: They’re better than all of the other ones that we can’t talk about for copyright reasons. (We’ll add these once Steam lets us!)

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• You: Take some personality quizzes, we don’t know.

  Played this season by: You.

• The Unknowing Public:Everyone who isn’t you. Therefore, they barely matter.

  Played this season by: Jeff Sauer.

• Randy Azcrak: He fancies himself as hot as chicken salad sitting out in the sun at an outdoor picnic. He serves as the Lukewarm Ironclad Corporation’s chief officer of development – and occasionally as the corporate houseboy.

  Played this season by: Joe Tafoya.

• Titus Thunderpunch: CEO and Founder of the Lukewarm Ironclad Corporation. Out to make a dollar, or two, or three. Maybe some pocket change. We’ll take what we can get.

  Played this season by: Tim Starnes.

• The Thunderclatch: The always-moving headquarters of the Lukewarm Ironclad Corporation. The engine, a 4000-class 4-8-8-4 locomotive, built with plans stolen from the Union Pacific Railroad Company. In late-stage fabrication it was imbued with an autonomously-thinking computer, connected to under-rail telegraph lines. Many now regret this decision.

  Voiced this season by: Joe Tafoya

• Maharaja Thunderpunch: R̸̨͒̈́̓̎́͛̽̃̿̾̇̑e̷͖̓̈̾̀͘ḏ̵̨͈͍̞͓̯͈͒͑̌̉̿̅̑̈́̅a̷̧̢͉̙̞̭̘̹̭̖̤͗̏͂͊̇̑̌̋̄̍̆̂͘͝͝ͅc̶̢͍̹͕̦͙͙͚̝͍̖͖͛̃̇̒͘͜t̵͙͖͙̱̰̗̳̋́̈́̈̊̉̄͆̀̌̀̃̚͝͝ȩ̷̡̦̩̬̫͉͉̖̙̪͇̪̙̀̄͜d̶̡͓̪͙̜͓̘̘͈͕̝͑̄̍̋̌̊̀̌͘͝

  Played this season by: Savannah Jillani.

• Baronette: Mother of Maharaja Thunderpunch and fancies herself in charge, even though she has minimal management experience – much like any other executive manager.

  Played this season by: Lisa Jillani.

• The Mouth of Nero: Mouthpiece of the SPQUS, or, Emperor Nero.

  Played this season by: Jeff Sauer.

• Dr. Pushhumanity: The Lukewarm Ironclad Corporation’s chief officer of engineering and mechanical development – he returns, like a dog to its own vomit – again and again to plots that don’t quite work out.

  Played this season by: Wil Harris.