Green Hell

After dying an embarrassing amount of times by trying to 1v1 a jaguar with a stone spear, I decided to try and THROW the spear instead of trying to fight a fully grown, adult jaguar up close, so you can imagine how surprised I was when the second the jaguar took my spear to the face it died. I felt really stupid.

This game has its share of pros and cons, and unbelievably questionable gameplay decisions. Such as:
- You can not harvest planks into smaller sticks
- Useless stingray sting that was reported how long? Two years back? Still not fixed/removed
- You can not create 'piles' of items, only place them into prebuilt storages (Stranded Deep did it better imo)
- Armor that protects you from bees and ants, but not from snakes
- and so on
But I want to spend this review praising one thing that it did right and helped me irl - the pace. Day starts, day ends, and there's only that much you can do. You can not get everything done in one go, you need to decide what you will eat, where would you sleep and what would you achieve in this limited set of time. It made me play those things and suddenly.. my anxiety about my irl daily life got much better. I can not do all at once. I have that day and if I want to spend it wisely and don't blame myself for what was not achieved, I shouldn't plan more than is achievable.
I am just a man and I have just one day, no more, no less.
So yeah, thanks for that.

Skip sleeping. Go insane. Killed by shadow people.
Sleep on ground. Get worms. Go insane. Killed by shadow people.
Sleep on ground. Get worms. Heal worms. Forget bandage. Die.
Sleep on ground. Get worms. Heal worms. Bandage. Drink unsafe water. Get parasites. Go insane. Killed by shadow people.
*four hours and fifty deaths later*
Sleep in shelter. Drink boiled water. Get attacked by cat. Don’t have maggots to treat infection. Die.
*four more hours later with zero deaths a decent amount of progress but you forgot to save*
Get cocky. Let health get too low. Surprise cougar attack. Die. Lose hours of work. Rage quit. Rinse and repeat in a few hours when the rage wears off.

---{ Graphics }---
☐ You forget what reality is
☑ Beautiful
☐ Good
☐ Decent
☐ Bad
☐ Don‘t look too long at it
☐ MS-DOS
---{ Gameplay }---
☐ Very good
☑ Good
☐ It's just gameplay
☐ Mehh
☐ Watch paint dry instead
☐ Just don't
---{ Audio }---
☐ Eargasm
☑ Very good
☐ Good
☐ Not too bad
☐ Bad
☐ I'm now deaf
---{ PC Requirements }---
☐ Check if you can run paint
☐ Potato
☑ Decent
☐ Fast
☐ Rich boi
☐ Ask NASA if they have a spare computer
---{ Game Size }---
☐ Floppy Disk
☐ Old Fashioned
☑ Workable
☐ Big
☐ Will eat 10% of your 1TB hard drive
☐ You will want an entire hard drive to hold it
☐ You will need to invest in a black hole to hold all the data
---{ Difficulty }---
☐ Just press 'W'
☐ Easy
☐ Easy to learn / Hard to master
☐ Significant brain usage
☐ Difficult
☑ Dark Souls
---{ Grind }---
☐ Nothing to grind
☑ Only if u want a big base and all the items
☐ Isn't necessary to progress
☐ Average grind level
☐ Too much grind
☐ You'll need a second life for grinding
---{ Story }---
☐ No Story
☐ Some lore
☑ Its OK
☐ Good
☐ Lovely
☐ It'll replace your life
---{ Game Time }---
☐ Long enough for a cup of coffee
☐ Short
☑ Average
☐ Long
☐ To infinity and beyond
---{ Price }---
☐ It's free!
☐ Worth the price
☑ If it's on sale
☐ If u have some spare money left
☐ Not recommended
☐ You could also just burn your money
---{ Bugs }---
☐ Never heard of
☑ Minor bugs
☐ Can get annoying
☐ ARK: Survival Evolved
☐ The game itself is a big terrarium for bugs
---{ ? / 10 }---
☐ 1
☐ 2
☐ 3
☐ 4
☐ 5
☐ 6
☐ 7
☑ 8
☐ 9
☐ 10

The game is great. It's fun but it is complicated. Like crazy complicated it takes hours to get everything down and you'll be on edge a lot of the time. I love playing it but do not play when you want to relax. Its graphics are amazing and the sound is realistic.

Green Hell isn't just a game - it is a life lesson. You think you can survive the wilderness with nothing but your wits and a coconut? Adorable.
At first, you'll feel very optimistic & safe under the canopy of the beautiful trees. You may think, "...hhmmm, "I'll build a fire, gather some food, maybe even make a little hut." Ten minutes later, you're feverish from a mystery rash, wrestling an angry jaguar in the dark, and somehow... still don't have a fire.
Green Hell turns survival into a spiritual journey. By day three, I have given up on crafting and instead started negotiating with the voices in my head and the little tribe of ants living in my backpack.
The attention to realism is PAINFULLY impressive. Did you forget to check for leeches? Congratulations, your health bar just filed for divorce. Drink dirty water? Enjoy a five-star parasitic experience. It's like a Bear Grylls' fever dream - except Bear has Google, and you just have a stick.
In short, Green Hell is the kind of game that makes you appreciate your cozy desk and modern conveniences, like toilet paper and not being actively hunted by snakes. You're going to wish you paid more attention that summer you went to Scout camp. RIP.
If you're looking for a relaxing survival experience look elsewhere. If you want to learn humility by being bested by a frog, this is your game.
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ - Would die in the jungle again.

Really good survival game, reminds me a lot of Stranded Deep back when it was big, which I'd say is a good thing. Of course, this game feels more polished and well put together than Stranded Deep ever did. It's also a very pretty game, and it has a lot of fun mechanics behind it. BUT, if you're gonna play this game, I really can't recommend the story mode.
The story is kinda ass, and can best be explained by the phrase: "my waife". Pretty much every bad thing that happens is because the player character's wife is a total idiot. I mean, really, both the player character and his wife are....just...awful...like actually the worst. Not only do they work together, professionally (this is a red flag folks), they also decide to undergo an expedition deep into the heart of the Amazon Rainforest all on their own. No guides, no backup, just these two dimwits, and it goes about as well as you might expect.
The player character is an anthropologist, and you can tell because he quickly loses sanity the moment he starts doing his own work instead of rehashing and presenting what other people have done. He's constantly whining and having full blown melt downs at the most minor inconveniences. Sometimes he goes into a frenzy of swear words for just no reason at all. It's funny the first time you're using a hand drill to start a fire and hear the dude screaming a combination of curse words that would put sailors to shame, but the charm is lost after the 3rd or 4th time, especially considering how often you need to light fires. This man belongs in an office with AC and a water cooler, and he NEVER adjusts to being out in the wild, no matter how long you play.
The wife on the other hand, idk what she does aside from keep secrets to an obnoxious level the entire time. I get it's for suspense, to keep you hooked or whatever, but her character suffers for it a LOT. All you ever get out of her are vague answers and half truths, most the time she avoids the questions or just outright doesn't respond at all. I guess Mr. Anthropologist decided to marry a damn sphinx or something idk but she sucks. They both do.